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Armadillo Wires

2002 Reports

November 6

Detroit, MI - Golden Dillo to Dominate Detroit Riverfront

At a ceremony today, developers announced plans for the worlds first (and probably last) armadillo themed casino to open in downtown Detroit. The 500 ft tall golden structure will loom over the Detroit River. Architect Charles Adillo said "This magnificent building will draw visitors from across the world. High power floodlights from its eyes will shoot across the water towards Canada, and banks of lights will illuminate the huge golden scales along its glittering flanks."

August 26

Ann Arbor, MI - Dill-o-Mat Opens, Closes Down in Week

The Dill-o-Mat self service pet armadillo washing service opened with much fanfare last week, only to close down today. "I stayed open a week, but there were no visitors" explained the owner, Aaron Dillon. "Maybe Ann Arbor was the wrong location, perhaps I'll try again in Texas next time." Economist Harvey O'Dillo agreed. "According to a complicated economic model I published last year, the complete absence of armadillos in Ann Arbor made this venture unlikely to succeed. Hopefully, I'll get a Nobel Prize for this."

August 25

Pigeon Forge, TN - Developer plans Dillowood

The world's first armadillo-themed amusement park is slated to open within three years. Arnie Dilford, the developer, plans a variety of rides, including the Scales of Doom and the Proboscis of Despair.

August 24

Phoenix, AZ - Armadillo Migrations Suggest Hard Winter

AW News - The Center for Armadillo Migration Prognostication (CAMP) announced that the unusual numbers of southward bound armadillos indicates a harsh winter is on its way. CAMP recommends the provision of armadillo feeders, heated armadillo baths, armadillo houses, armadillo boots, armadillo earmuffs, and armadillo scarves in suburban yards.

August 22

Ann Arbor, MI - AW Staff Inspired by Web Site Visit

AW News - Staff at Armadillo Wires rejoiced as news came in of a visit to this web page. "This is what we needed to go on, the days had become a gray continuum of despair" said one reporter. "We are now scouring the planet for news of armadilloid happenings". The motives of the web visitor, who is believed to be from Colorado, were unknown.

April 17

Dallas, TX - Enron visits Armadillo Wires

AW News - After the Feb 4 report below, it was no surprise that Enron would visit this page. The hit resulted from an Enron employee's web seach for "armadillo repellant". (Like me, they can't spell). This amazing "coincidence" supports rumors linking their financial troubles to off-balance sheet transactions with our scaly friends.

Feb 4

Dallas, TX - Enron Collapse Linked to Armadillos

AW News - Auditors discovered vast numbers of unsecured 'loans' on Enron's books were made to armadillos, with little hope of recovery of the money. Senators have attempted to subpoena the creatures, but they are expected to take the Fifth.

2001 Reports

June 10

Washington, DC - Bush Announces New National Symbol

AW News - The Texanization of the U.S. continued with the phasing out of the bald eagle as the U.S. national symbol. "Few people have even seen an eagle" remarked George W. Bush, "whereas the armadillo is a familiar sight to everyone, at least in Texas. As a result, I'm replacing the old eagle-based Great Seal with a new, improved version featurizing an armadillo wearing a miniature Stetson. This better reflectizes the current national identity."

April 6

Los Angeles, CA - Armadillo Movie Released to Mixed Reviews

AW News - Moviegoers had varied reactions to Hidden Dillo, Crouching Dillo, an epic saga of samurai warriors who dress up as armadillos to fight injustice. Some felt the movie was too long, others thought it was too stupid.

January 2

Amarillo, TX - Armadillos Freeze after Freak Snowstorm

AW News - Amarillo Armadillo Rescue worked overtime to prevent the town's scaly population from freezing in unseasonably cold conditions. Over 2000 neon-green wool armadillo jackets were knitted and fitted over the bodies of the cold critters. Local reports of an alien invasion are thought to be an over-reaction by locals to the sight of the scurrying, fluorescent hordes.

2000 Reports

December 1

Tokyo, Japan - Casio Announces DilloPC

AW News - Casio Corp. of Japan revealed a new hand-held portable computer, the DilloPC, with a translucent graphite case in the shape of an armadillo. The "Dillux" model also includes telescoping tail antenna for wireless communication.

May 5

Detroit, MI - DIA Exhibition Draws Stream of Confused People

AW News - The Detroit Institute of Armadillos (DIA) is attracting crowds to its new Van Gogh - Faces exhibition. This collection of paintings by Bob Van Gogh celebrates the armadillo through a series of oil paintings, including the famous "Starry Snout". Museum director Harmon Dilman admitted that some people were expecting to see work by the more famous Vincent, showing close by at the Detroit Institute of Art. "Many people were surprised to see so many pictures of our scaly friends. We just told them that Van Gogh spent some time in Lubbock before going to Paris. Of course, that was Paris, Texas."

Starry Snout

Starry Snout by Bob Van Gogh

April 11

Washington, DC - Scaly Invaders From Mars

AW News - NASA today announced the discovery of an armadillo claw embedded in a Mars meteorite, suggesting the Red Planet was once colonized by these remarkable creatures. "Maybe they're still there, burrowing under the planet", suggested a spokesman. "Scaling (no pun intended) up from the claw, the Martian armadillos were about 100 feet long." There is no agreed theory on how armadillos made the journey from Earth to Mars, or vice-versa. "The ancestors of today's desert armadillos must have included an advanced space-traversing species", continued the spokesman. "Who knows how many are 'out there'?"

April 04

Hamburg, Germany - Volkswagen follows up Beetle with Armadillo

AW News - VW today announced it was building on the success of the New Beetle by developing the VW Armadillo. This small car would have a narrow tapered front, simulating the snout of that noble creature. Lead engineer Helmut Dilloburger explained that the original plan was for a VW Aardvark, but that plan was dropped after marketing had decided that it was a stupid idea. After that episode, engineers had decided not to consult marketing on the prospects of the Armadillo, believed to be excellent, he added.

Austin, TX - Texans To Count Armadillos on Census

AW News - Texas has called for its residents to list armadillos on their census forms. "One Texan is worth two outsiders, so we originally hoped people were going to count themselves twice." commented legislator Aaron Dillon. "However, that might be unconstitutional, so instead we suggest that people name and list any nearby armadillos on their forms. It will help Texas get ahead". He continued: "Few people realize that the Spanish for armadillo is in fact armadillo, which translates literally as 'armadillo'". After seeing some confused looks, he added: "Erm .. and that word literally means small armored person, or something, so justifying counting them on the census". Asked to comment after a campaign speech, George W. Bush failed to condemn the practice, adding "I'd rather live next door to an armadillo than a poor person". Aides then rushed him from the podium for an emergency briefing.

March 28

Montreal, Canada - Curling Competitors Thrown Out After Stones Sprout Legs

AW News - The World Curling Championship was was in disarray after several curling stones were found to be highly trained and camouflaged armadillos. The ruse was discovered after several stones were seen scurrying closer to their target. Several leading competitors were disqualified, even though the rules of curling do not specifically prohibit the use of armadillos.

Sydney, Australia - Olympic Exhibition Events to Include Armadillo Throw

AW News - Several events from the Armadillo Olympics are seriously being considered for exhibition at this year's official Olympic Games. These include armadillo throwing (the "Armadillo Fling") and DilloTennis (using a rubber armadillo).

March 26

Amarillo, TX - Collection of Inspiring Encounters with Armadillos In Heartwarming Book

AW News - Armadillo Wires has collated a series of touching human-armadillo interactions in its new book Armadillo Soup for the Soul. Read about the young boy who, denied the chance to own a dog, "made" one by gluing hair shed by a friend's collie onto an armadillo.

March 5

Phoenix, AZ - McCain Drops Out of Presidential Race After Armadillo Attack

AW News - Senator John McCain announced his withdrawal from his presidential campaign after sustaining severe nose bites in a sudden attack by several armadillos. The creatures were apparently under some kind of advanced mind control. A tearful aide said "Due to the nose bites, John is no longer photogenic enough to become leader of the Western World, not that he ever was really". A grinning George W. Bush denied any involvement. However, photographs soon appeared of him shaking hands with Bob Dildoid, professor of armadillo mind control at Bob Strange University, South Carolina. A Bush aide claimed "This visit absolutely was not an endorsement of armadillo mind control, instead it was a missed opportunity to mildly and ambiguously sort of condemn the practice."

March 01

Los Angeles, CA - Armadillo! Movie Sequel to Armageddon Premieres Tonight

AW News - Panic reigns on Earth as a giant Space Armadillo is on course to impact the Desert Southwest. A team of highly trained terrestrial armadillos (claymation, live and stuffed animals) is sent out to persuade the creature to return to the black hole in the center of the Galaxy, from whence it came. Starring Bob Willis [surely Bruce? AW editor] as the voice of Colonel Dillman.

"Two Thumbs Down, Way Down" - Ebert & Friend
"Combines bizarre and stupid into a soul-torturing epic of ineptitude" - New York Times
"Dumb, dumber, and this movie" - Washington Post
"Five Stars, A Winner" - Armadillo Wires

January 10

Atlanta, GA - Round The Clock Scurrying as The Armadillo Channel Launched on Most Cable Networks

AW News - TAC (The Armadillo Channel) hopes to draw viewers from a broad demographic base, from the very strange to the easily amused. Programs include Armadillos Tonight, American Armadillo Association (AAA) wrestling, The Young and The Scaly, NYPDillo (about a very short detective), As The Snout Turns, and Jeopardillo.

1999 Headline listings

December 31

Washington, DC - Society of American Independent Associations of Independent Associated American Societies names Armadillo as Scaly Mammal of the Millenium

Washington, DC - Confederation of Associated Independent Societies of Independent Associate Confederations names Armadillo as 9-Banded Mammal of the Millenium

December 29

Atlanta, GA - Pigskin Shortage makes Armadillo the Emergency Superbowl Backup Football - Receivers Distressed

Los Angeles, CA - Game Show Bandwagon Slows with Failure of Who Wants A Million Armadillos? and Who Wants To Marry An Armadillo?

December 28

Columbus, OH - Media Predicts Y2K Shortage of Armadillo Repellant - Stores Swamped with Panicked Buyers

December 24

New York, NY - Think Twice Before Giving Armadillo as Holiday Gift Says Animal Humane Society

December 23

Oklahoma City, OK - Armadillo Feeders Assist Northward Spread of Our Scaly Friends

September 18

Lubbock, TX - Armadillo Liberation Front (ALF) Disrupts Texas Bake-Off

September 17

Austin,TX - Texas Republicans Train Armadillos to Attack, Bite Liberals

August 29

Washington, DC - Mars Mountain Has Face Of Armadillo

Omsk, Russia - Giant Woolly Armadillo Found Frozen In Tundra - Still Alive!

August 17

Austin, TX - US Eliminated from 4 x 100 Armadillo Relay - "It Bit Me" claims Butterfingered Culprit

Austin, TX - World Armadillo Throwing Record Shattered

August 16

Austin, TX - Opening Ceremony of Armadillo Olympics Draws Small Crowd

August 12

Santa Barbara, CA - Armadillos Banned As Pets - Too Down-Market

August 10

Washington, DC - Armadillo-shaped Asteroid on Collision Course with Earth

August 8

Roswell, NM - Roswell "Alien" Linked to US Army's Balloon-Carried Attack Armadillo Program

August 7

El Paso, TX - Rio Grande Disappears Down Maze of Abandoned Armadillo Burrows - Border Problems Ahead

July 28

Amarillo, TX - Armadillo's Range Moves Steadily Northwards - Will Reach North Pole by 2012

July 27

El Paso, TX - City Terrorized By Glow-In-The-Dark Armadillos

El Paso, TX - Armadillos Dig Up, Eat, Low-Level Radioactive Waste

July 26

San Diego, CA - Armadillo Lifts Left Front Paw Just Before Earth Tremors - A Scaly Seismic Sentinal

Ottawa, Canada - Canada To Adopt Metric Armadillo - May Also Need To Be Furry

Washington, DC - US To Stick With 9 Banded Armadillo

Paris, France - Scientists Unveil "Metric" 10 Banded Armadillo

July 25

Plano, TX - Armadillo Armageddon as Dorf Expunger Creates Widest, Thinnest Roadkill Ever Seen

Denver, CO - New Species of Winged Armadillo Discovered, Previously Mistaken for Geese

Amarillo, TX - Fossil of 100 Foot Long Armadillo found in Suburban Yard

Shangxin, China - "Missing Link" between Armadillos and Dolphins Identified

July 24

Washington, DC - Armadillo Meat Linked to Colon Cancer - Eat Less says National Association for Health Awareness

Washington, DC - Armadillo Meat Reduces Cholesterol - Eat More says National Association for Health Awareness

New York, NY - Genetically Modified Armadillo Runs for Senate

July 23, 1999

Amarillo, TX - Armadillo Wires Rejects Specism Accusations

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