Fly Like an Ostrich through the Skies
News: United Airlines and Ostrich to merge!
Ostrich Airlines offers you:
- In-Flight Movie (but you missed it, it was last year).
- In-Flight Peanut.
- A plastic cup full of huge ice cubes and a tiny amount of soda.
- Reliability. By scheduling each journey to take at least four days, we have achieved the best on-time arrival record of any airline. Some of our flights even arrive a few hours early.
- Ostrich's own magazine - Flightless - with inspiring tales of survival written by former passengers.
- A goodie bag, with a bagel you can spend the whole flight gnawing on, and a cookie made from recycled issues of Flightless.
- Voted one of the world's best 800 airlines by readers of Business Travel Magazine, beating out AzerbaijanAir in several categories.
Ride Your Luck With Us
Squawky The Ostrich says:
"Let Ostrich Airlines Give You The Wing"
New Trans-Atlantic ServiceOstrich Airlines is pleased to announce a new direct trans-atlantic flight to London, England. The first flight went extremely well, as described below.
Admittedly, there were a few problems on the return flight, as some of you may have seen on World's Scariest Arctic Rescues (NBC) and When Polar Bears Attack I and II (FOX-TV).
- 07:00 depart Chicago
- 12:30 arrive Goose Bay (Canada). Refueling and emergency repairs.
- 19:21 arrive Uuqaluuq, Baffin Island (Canada). Refueling and duct tape replacement.
- 02:45 (+1) arrive Nuunaquualuuq Shivering Goose Regional Airport (Greenland). Refuel, take on boiled seal dinners.
- 13:50 (+1) arrive Reykjavic (Iceland), refuel, repair goose strike damage to engine, emergency hair drier warming of structural duct tape to preserve stickiness.
- 01:22 (+2) arrive Faroe Island International, refuel, took on delicious fried kelp lunch.
- 14:27 (+2) arrive McSporran International Airport, Lerwick, Shetland Islands (Scotland, England). Refuel, engine rebuild.
- 07:14 (+3) Arrive London Heathrow airspace, refused entry ("Who the bloody hell are Ostrich Airlines?").
- 08:22 (+3) fuel runs out, emergency landing on expressway (M 1) near Watford.
- 11:40 (+6) passengers and crew released from police custody after prolonged questioning.
Stick Your Neck OutSpecial Offer - book a flight to London and enter a drawing to meet our lovable mascot, Squawky the Ostrich, as seen on TV (When Ostriches Attack - FOX-TV).
with Ostrich Airlines
Press Release - Ostrich Airlines has taken legal action against Demento Films to prevent release of their so-called comedy movie Ice-Cold Ostrich, allegedly based on our first transatlantic flight. As our pilots can attest, there is nothing remotely humorous about flying across an ice cap with a polar bear hanging from the landing gear. We also strongly contest the inference that the flight improved after the bear entered the cockpit and seized the controls. He bounced the plane several times on landing.
Press Release - Ostrich Airlines recently entered into a code sharing agreement with TundraAir on its direct flight from Bismark, ND to the Ostrich Air hub in Gander, Nova Scotia. The CEO of TundraAir is recovering well after his encounter with an unusually frisky Squawky the Ostrich. Some of you may have seen his many unsuccessful attempts at running away on When Good Ostriches Turn Bad (FOX).
Press Release - United Airlines announced their intention to merge with Ostrich Airline. "Ostrich will give us an aura of quality that United lacks, said a United spokesperson. "Anybody complaining about missed connections will be rebooked to Greenland on punishment flight OS-1". The new company will be called United Ostrich Airlines.