National Society for
the Prevention of Cruelty
To Nerds

The mission of the NSPCN is to assist nerds in traumatic situations.

NSPCN agents are in a constant state of vigil for nerds in distress. This may be as simple as someone forced to leave their cubicle and interact with other humans.

On seeing nerd torment, agents should move in quickly, show their membership badge, ask the tormenters to desist, and then escort the nerd to safety.

Special Situations

Forced Public Performance

There is no sadder sight than a nerd forced to sing karaoke in front of a large audience while completely sober. In situations like this agents should act quickly. Disconnect power to the equipment if necessary.

More soon ...


1) Why was the NSPCN founded?
In 1998, the social committee of a US-based technology-related company organized an big employee dinner. All went well until the performing musicians started hauling nerd employees on stage to sing along and 'participate'. Some looked as if they would rather be having their heads boiled. At this point, the need for an organization like the NSPCN became obvious.

2) I'm a nerd. Can I join the NSPCN?
Yes. However, our best agents are those that were once nerds, then crossed over to the 'dark side' (social life, family etc.)

3) Does the NSPCN welcome female agents?
Of course. In some situations, female agents can be quite effective by pretending to be the nerd's girlfriend. There may be trouble in the unlikely event of the nerd already having a girlfriend. However, the sight of two women squabbling over the nerd should cause enough distraction to facilitate escape.

4) How do I call for backup in difficult situations?
Contact headquarters by ham radio or portable wireless internet device.

5) How does the NSPCN benefit society?
Society owes a huge debt to nerds. Science and technology have not, typically, been advanced by people with bubbly personalities who smile all the time.

Affiliated with The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Nerds (UK), Royal Canadian Mounted Nerd Protection Patrol, and Merde - Aidez le Nerd (France).

Return to Ads Page.