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Impeachment of Laser T. Dog

Laser T. Dog was impeached in October 1998.

The articles of impeachment were :

1)Perjury. A box containing three Swedish ginger snaps disappeared from the kitchen table. On repeated questioning, Laser maintained his innocence, accompanied by much tail-wagging.

2)Obstruction of justice. The empty cookie box was found partially chewed on the kitchen floor - a clear attempt to conceal evidence.

3)Perjury. Paw prints were found in the bathtub, but Laser again maintained a blank, innocent expression.

4)Abuse of caninity. Laser abused his position as a dog to shred multiple paper towels.

If convicted, Laser would be removed from his position of Higher Canine Officer. He would remain a pet as a Giant Mutant Hamster Officer.

After consulting with lawyers, Laser offered the following defense to the perjury charges.

  1. Laser has no specific recollection of eating the ginger snaps.
  2. The description of the ginger snaps as Swedish is confusing, as it is not clear whether they actually originated in Sweden, or were made in e.g. Toledo, Ohio, to a particular recipe. This confusion certainly affects Laser's memory.
  3. The charges rely on a narrow definition of "eat". It is possible, though Laser has no recollection, that he pulled the cookies to the floor and caused their unintentional disintegration by accidental mastication. Laser admits that he might later have eaten the crumbs in his noble efforts to keep the kitchen floor clean. Laser does not believe this possible combination of accidental chewing damage followed by well-intentioned tidying is equivalent to eating, which led him to honestly deny the charges, even in the absence of specific recollections.
  4. Even if the accusations are true, which Laser does not admit, he should be forgiven in the spirit of the holiday season, and allowed to finish his term as a dog.

Negotiations took place over a possible censure option. In a dramatic deal with House bipeds, Laser avoided impeachment. He spent 11 days in Dog Jail. Laser was also severely censured for his behavior, but as usual managed to forgive himself very quickly.

After Laser was released from Dog Jail, he regained Most Favored Mammal status.

Next: Laser's Income Tax on 1040-K9.

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